Daddy...

Daddy I miss you I honestly dont think its hit home that your really gone, You are just to young, Im to young, Your grandchildren are to young, At first I was so mad at you & myself, you cause all you needed to do was see a doctor we all tried it upsets me to think you just cared about yourself not all of us that are going to suffer now, But I know your not a selfish man at all, I honestly dont think you thought about that at all, I think you thougtht seeing a doctor in a few weeks would be ok, Then I got mad at myself, why in the hell did I not go see you? Your not far, I dont live out of state anymore, But I was sick & we all didnt think you was just going to die & die so quickly I was afraid if I came and seen you I would get you sicker, Then Id blame myself for you being sick, I have cried my eyes out  kicked myself around the dirt now for a little over a month, I dont think ill ever forgive myself for this one, I tried calling so much but never got a answer, Daddy I miss you it isnt fair im 29 my dad died at age 58 all cause he wouldnt see a doctor, I dont like that I cant just go see you, set at your grave and talk to you, I think having you at joes valley will be great but its some where i cant just drive if I need to, Its close but not that close.. With this fertility stuff  ( my hormones being so whacked ) the holidays, & you dieing I dont think I have sat down to breathe.. Well really thats all I have done now for 4 months is hide away from everyone ( Even Tyler I dont think he even cares anymore its so fake ) but I dont feel like I have actually breathed if you know what I mean, I still havent got over loosing Alisa now You.. I sure HoPE 2011 is better then the last 2 years. Hold my Baby girl Daddy tell I get to see her & you again... Love you to <3

What did I do.....

I actually did it this last month but to my surprise it didn't make a difference, Now what did I do well after 3 months of fertility help from the doctor we had to try something different this month so i took my clomid days 5-9 then went for ultrasounds on days 12 & 14 had a HCG injection on day 15 & on  day 16 Ty had the chance to put his solders in a cup, well yes I know my chance of this working is only like 15% but for some reason this month felt like the one, Im so sick of the comments, You  really should think about things you say to others before you say them, so here I am on day 2 of a new cycle WOW right it didnt work so what do I do, set myself up for another month of failure, im so lost right now on what to do, part of me says you should try once more so that both ovaries (if they even both work right ) get a fair chance, but even my Dr says we should stop wasting money and go see someone else, Part of me says I cant take this for another month but if I don't try will I think I didn't try hard enough??  Ok so what did I do? I got on my knees & prayed well first I was mad so I yelled at him for putting me through such a hard month, & for taking Alisa & now my Dad , then I crumbled and said I was sorry. Bawling on the bathroom floor im sure it was  pretty funny if someone would of been watching, cause my emotions are all over the place lately, well I didn't get up for a few hours I laid and cried talked to god. but nothing worked.. Why did I do this?? Cause my dumb ass took a pregnancy test and thought it read positive so  I wanted God to know he couldn't have this one or he was taking me to, I took the test in the evening knowing I should test in the morning I thought about when I found out I was pregnant with Alisa I tested in the evening it was + but I knew I was pregnant my boobs hurt bad, but I had no signs this month but for some reason I thought the lil double pink lines didn't lie to me, so I tested that next morning and nothing - So there I was crying again on the bathroom floor & cursing this time. Started my period that next day, another day of crying. I been sitting here sick ( not sure if Im sick or just worn the fuck out ) thinking why the hell would you pray you dont do that, it does nothing for me, but for some reason I found myself doing that did it mean something? Should I maybe let god back in my life? Will it change our outcome? All I do know is this last 3 months have been hell and my dad dieing unexpectedly hasn't help, Im pretty lost still but I think I always will feel like this now, Losing my Daddy has took a part away from me just like loosing Alisa took a big part from me, I just hope they both know I love them, Miss them, & cant wait tell we meet again...........