Daddy...

Daddy I miss you I honestly dont think its hit home that your really gone, You are just to young, Im to young, Your grandchildren are to young, At first I was so mad at you & myself, you cause all you needed to do was see a doctor we all tried it upsets me to think you just cared about yourself not all of us that are going to suffer now, But I know your not a selfish man at all, I honestly dont think you thought about that at all, I think you thougtht seeing a doctor in a few weeks would be ok, Then I got mad at myself, why in the hell did I not go see you? Your not far, I dont live out of state anymore, But I was sick & we all didnt think you was just going to die & die so quickly I was afraid if I came and seen you I would get you sicker, Then Id blame myself for you being sick, I have cried my eyes out  kicked myself around the dirt now for a little over a month, I dont think ill ever forgive myself for this one, I tried calling so much but never got a answer, Daddy I miss you it isnt fair im 29 my dad died at age 58 all cause he wouldnt see a doctor, I dont like that I cant just go see you, set at your grave and talk to you, I think having you at joes valley will be great but its some where i cant just drive if I need to, Its close but not that close.. With this fertility stuff  ( my hormones being so whacked ) the holidays, & you dieing I dont think I have sat down to breathe.. Well really thats all I have done now for 4 months is hide away from everyone ( Even Tyler I dont think he even cares anymore its so fake ) but I dont feel like I have actually breathed if you know what I mean, I still havent got over loosing Alisa now You.. I sure HoPE 2011 is better then the last 2 years. Hold my Baby girl Daddy tell I get to see her & you again... Love you to <3

What did I do.....

I actually did it this last month but to my surprise it didn't make a difference, Now what did I do well after 3 months of fertility help from the doctor we had to try something different this month so i took my clomid days 5-9 then went for ultrasounds on days 12 & 14 had a HCG injection on day 15 & on  day 16 Ty had the chance to put his solders in a cup, well yes I know my chance of this working is only like 15% but for some reason this month felt like the one, Im so sick of the comments, You  really should think about things you say to others before you say them, so here I am on day 2 of a new cycle WOW right it didnt work so what do I do, set myself up for another month of failure, im so lost right now on what to do, part of me says you should try once more so that both ovaries (if they even both work right ) get a fair chance, but even my Dr says we should stop wasting money and go see someone else, Part of me says I cant take this for another month but if I don't try will I think I didn't try hard enough??  Ok so what did I do? I got on my knees & prayed well first I was mad so I yelled at him for putting me through such a hard month, & for taking Alisa & now my Dad , then I crumbled and said I was sorry. Bawling on the bathroom floor im sure it was  pretty funny if someone would of been watching, cause my emotions are all over the place lately, well I didn't get up for a few hours I laid and cried talked to god. but nothing worked.. Why did I do this?? Cause my dumb ass took a pregnancy test and thought it read positive so  I wanted God to know he couldn't have this one or he was taking me to, I took the test in the evening knowing I should test in the morning I thought about when I found out I was pregnant with Alisa I tested in the evening it was + but I knew I was pregnant my boobs hurt bad, but I had no signs this month but for some reason I thought the lil double pink lines didn't lie to me, so I tested that next morning and nothing - So there I was crying again on the bathroom floor & cursing this time. Started my period that next day, another day of crying. I been sitting here sick ( not sure if Im sick or just worn the fuck out ) thinking why the hell would you pray you dont do that, it does nothing for me, but for some reason I found myself doing that did it mean something? Should I maybe let god back in my life? Will it change our outcome? All I do know is this last 3 months have been hell and my dad dieing unexpectedly hasn't help, Im pretty lost still but I think I always will feel like this now, Losing my Daddy has took a part away from me just like loosing Alisa took a big part from me, I just hope they both know I love them, Miss them, & cant wait tell we meet again...........

My Shining Star

I saw a beautiful star shining so bright,
While I was looking up at the sky last
night, Id like to think that it was you
twinkling in the sky, Trying to help all
my tears dry.
Though when I turned away from the beautiful
star, And remember how far away you really
are, My tears flow even more for you.
Even though you are safe with the angels
where I want you to be, I could not sleep
my mind was full of thoughts of love, I wish
I was with you shining up above looking down
on this Earth. Wouldn't it be a sight to see
side by side you and me....

Jacks & Isis

These 2 dogs drive me nuts I cant fold a blanket or make a bed cause it dont last long. They act like we live in Alaska and its below zero everyday, I thought it was just a jack thing but Isis has picked it up & her habit is worse.. But honestly I love these 2 dogs as if they where my kid..

Best Buds

Tyler & Ashton, where to begin, Their attitudes are the same its funny to watch them argue, recently Ashton started calling Tyler dad but I noticed its only when he wants something.. But what they really enjoy doing together is..............

My Angel Alisa

After almost 3 years I found out I was pregnant, I was extremely over joyed, in fact I walked/drove around for the first month with a smile on my face, I had never felt so good inside, She is tyler's first kid, Every Doctors appointment went wonderful tell that dreaded day February 19 2009,( I was almost 5 months) it started out as any other day did I woke up had some minor cramping (I had these pains the whole time I was pregnant and I kept telling my Dr my left side felt like I was being cut open but he said it had to be from all my surgeries and having alot of scar tissue)  well we talked & my 2 older boys wanted to go to the doctors appointment with us, so they could see what she looked liked and they wanted to hear her heart, We didn't know she was a girl yet, They thought they would be able to spot if they where having a sister or a brother. We all got to the Doctors & he started his exam saying everything looks so good, & then he started the ultrasound saying wow what a beautiful Lil baby you guys are going to have & then that look on his face (Ill NEVER forget) & I could see the tears in his eyes as he rushed us downstairs. Ty & the kids didn't understand what was going on but I new something was wrong by the way he looked at her over & over then to me over & over, We rushed downstairs for the better ultrasound machine & that's when I was told she had passed, there's NO HEARTBEAT..  That day we also learned she was my daughter. My first daughter Alisa Ann......  I never got to see your face, hold you, or hear you cry... There was so many things I wanted to do with you,  That day my boys will never forget  if I had only known something was wrong I wouldn't of took them... I didn't bleed I didn't cramp I had no clue something was wrong I had laid in bed hours before and felt her moving around I believe I was about 5 1/2  months when I lost her, I had emergency surgery on February 20 2009, I was told before surgery I would have to have a full hysterometry and a blood transfusion (Cause my cervix had attached its self to my uterus but that had nothing to do with losing her) I remember being wheeled into the room for surgery and seeing all this  blood from other people that was going to be put into me I felt so faint and being told I had a high chance of never being able to have another child broke my already broken heart.. but we where very lucky and I didn't need the blood transfusion or the hysterometry, it was the most saddest day of my life having to go home knowing that this little baby in me wasn't really there anymore I felt so empty, and it continued for months, now it has turned into emptiness grief and madness, im so mad at myself for not having a c section so I could of held her and sung to her, looked at her , just to be with her would of been so much better for me  when you lose a baby/child you have so many decisions to make in such little time and your already a emotional mess, so i say to every pregnant mother out there that loses their baby  really think about what options you take, its such a hard one to make.....  The other hard thing about losing a baby is never being told why, she looked like every 4 month old baby her spine, brain, limbs, everything was perfect even my doctor called other specialist to maybe be able to give me a reason of why, the only reason we got was maybe just maybe mine and tylers chromosomes dont mix right which scares the crap out of me cause we are trying again and i was told if thats whats wrong i would lose the baby again but it wouldnt be tell i was farther along like last time..