My Angel Alisa

After almost 3 years I found out I was pregnant, I was extremely over joyed, in fact I walked/drove around for the first month with a smile on my face, I had never felt so good inside, She is tyler's first kid, Every Doctors appointment went wonderful tell that dreaded day February 19 2009,( I was almost 5 months) it started out as any other day did I woke up had some minor cramping (I had these pains the whole time I was pregnant and I kept telling my Dr my left side felt like I was being cut open but he said it had to be from all my surgeries and having alot of scar tissue)  well we talked & my 2 older boys wanted to go to the doctors appointment with us, so they could see what she looked liked and they wanted to hear her heart, We didn't know she was a girl yet, They thought they would be able to spot if they where having a sister or a brother. We all got to the Doctors & he started his exam saying everything looks so good, & then he started the ultrasound saying wow what a beautiful Lil baby you guys are going to have & then that look on his face (Ill NEVER forget) & I could see the tears in his eyes as he rushed us downstairs. Ty & the kids didn't understand what was going on but I new something was wrong by the way he looked at her over & over then to me over & over, We rushed downstairs for the better ultrasound machine & that's when I was told she had passed, there's NO HEARTBEAT..  That day we also learned she was my daughter. My first daughter Alisa Ann......  I never got to see your face, hold you, or hear you cry... There was so many things I wanted to do with you,  That day my boys will never forget  if I had only known something was wrong I wouldn't of took them... I didn't bleed I didn't cramp I had no clue something was wrong I had laid in bed hours before and felt her moving around I believe I was about 5 1/2  months when I lost her, I had emergency surgery on February 20 2009, I was told before surgery I would have to have a full hysterometry and a blood transfusion (Cause my cervix had attached its self to my uterus but that had nothing to do with losing her) I remember being wheeled into the room for surgery and seeing all this  blood from other people that was going to be put into me I felt so faint and being told I had a high chance of never being able to have another child broke my already broken heart.. but we where very lucky and I didn't need the blood transfusion or the hysterometry, it was the most saddest day of my life having to go home knowing that this little baby in me wasn't really there anymore I felt so empty, and it continued for months, now it has turned into emptiness grief and madness, im so mad at myself for not having a c section so I could of held her and sung to her, looked at her , just to be with her would of been so much better for me  when you lose a baby/child you have so many decisions to make in such little time and your already a emotional mess, so i say to every pregnant mother out there that loses their baby  really think about what options you take, its such a hard one to make.....  The other hard thing about losing a baby is never being told why, she looked like every 4 month old baby her spine, brain, limbs, everything was perfect even my doctor called other specialist to maybe be able to give me a reason of why, the only reason we got was maybe just maybe mine and tylers chromosomes dont mix right which scares the crap out of me cause we are trying again and i was told if thats whats wrong i would lose the baby again but it wouldnt be tell i was farther along like last time..